Consider this post my formal PSA.

(Alternatively, consider this post my forever answer to the question, “What is your biggest pet peeve?”)

I’ve resisted saying anything public about it, but it’s hit a breaking point.

I have to speak up.

It is kiiiiillllling me.

There hasn’t been a conference I’ve attended, a sermon I’ve listened to, or a podcast I’ve streamed in which the alarming and increased occurrence of this phenomenon hasn’t reared its ugly head.

The phenomenon I’m referring to is the unnecessary and obnoxious usage of one particular word—hang tight, I tell you the word in a minute.

This word has infected public speakers, preachers, podcasters, presenters, and even everyday people who might spontaneously monologue on any given favorite topic.

I feel it’s similar to when “like” creeped into our vernacular and, like, while it may have, like, began in the small corner of 80’s valley-girl jargon it eventually, like, weaseled its way into way, way too many conversations and speaking styles. To this day when people overuse “like” in their speech patterns I struggle to not judge them.

That’s on me, I know that, but I’m not the only one.

Along the same lines in which I’m venting here today about this other word, here’s an article from several years back on the rise of “like,” in which the author writes:

But the rise of “like” in affiliation with the vapidity of the Valley had a negative consequence: It began to be associated with a lack of intelligence or substance, particularly when speakers use it to excess, a linguistic crutch that moves from being useful to becoming annoying.

Of course not everyone agreed with how using “like” became a linguistic crutch that communicated a lack of substance. For instance, Malcom Gladwell (whom I highly respect) wrote a piece in 1992 in defense of the usage of “like.” Because of course he did. Typical Gladwell, zagging where everyone else zigs.

Anyway, my observation, and the point of this article, is to illuminate and lament that we’ve got a new “like” infecting our speech. A new crutch word that similarly has moved from being-useful to becoming-annoying. It’s everywhere. I cringe each time I hear it.

This word is nails on the chalkboard of my ear holes.

I’m about to tell you what it is, but reader beware. The few people I’ve spoken to in private about this have later come to resent me pointing it out.

Because once you hear, you can’t unhear.

It’s like that episode of How I Met Your Mother (Season 3, Episode 8). The running gag is how you don’t notice someone’s annoying habit… until you do. All episode long various characters point out other character’s annoying habits, then a glass-shattering sound effect is played (as if to break the illusion of not-seeing), and now everyone instantly notices it.

So only proceed if you really don’t mind the potential for being thoroughly annoyed from here on out.

(By the way: If you yourself are a public speaker or podcaster or something like it then I suggest you continue reading. You might be infected and you don’t even realize it.)

This problem has been getting worse as people seem to pick it up subconsciously from others and then starting using it themselves. When I noticed a couple years ago that I started doing it I immediately panicked and made immediate adjustments.

If I say it now, it’s rare and accidental.

When I think about where I first clocked the strange usage of this word, I’m taken back about eight years ago while watching a well known author/speaker present a talk on YouTube for Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday channel. The first few times she said it I remember thinking, “That’s an odd way to end that sentence. Maybe she’s nervous?”

But then she kept doing it. Long after the nerves had surely subsided. I searched the transcript of her 22 minute talk and found 23 instances of this word.

Meaning every single minute of her talk she did this thing.

At the time I chalked it up to an aberration. Maybe it was just her? Her style?

Fast forward to October of two years ago. Again, on YouTube, I’m watching a TED talk from—ironically—Malcom Gladwell. The title of the talk is “The Tipping Point I Got Wrong” in which Gladwell beautifully and humbly admits that the central point of his breakout book, The Tipping Point, was wrong. The talk is worth your ten minutes.

But it was while watching that video when I realized, “Holy cow, this is annoying. We’ve got a real problem on our hands.” I suppose you could call that moment (again, ironically) my tipping point.

The point at which I began noticing it everywhere.

Before I finally tell you what this word is, this phenomenon that’s spreading like wildfire, give this 90 second clip a watch and see if you notice yourself.

In case you missed it, let me finally shatter the illusion for you.

The word infecting sentences,

the phenomenon sweeping the country,

is when people end their thought or their sentence with the word, “right.”

And it is driving me nuts. And it seems to be only getting worse.

Call to Action

So please, if you:

• Host a podcast

• Preach sermons

• Speak publicly

• Teach

• Or even when you’re in conversation with friends

I implore you, start listening for whether or not you are ending sentences with, “right?”

If you are, it’s not too late.

You can stop.

And please, stop.

May this not become another “like.”

May our public discourse not be dumbed down yet again with this seemingly harmless yet utterly obnoxious (and, now that you’ll listen for it, totally distracting) vocal crutch.

Okay, that’s it.

That’s my PSA.

I’ve held in my frustrations long enough. I’ve suffered in silence, listening to my favorite podcasts and weeping as I’ve noticed multiple hosts and recurring guests get infected with, right…

So I thank you for letting me share. BTW, if you’ve noticed this, can you let me know in the comments? Help me feel less alone?

For everyone else, stay safe out there.

And I’ll try and stay sane in here (🧠👈🏽).

-Colby

p.s. If it’s helpful, here’s one thing I do when someone drops a “right” where it doesn’t belong: I respond back to the person who said it—usually in my head, but sometimes out loud—with a, “No, NOT right. How was I supposed to know that?” It offers a modicum of relief.

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On Sunday, March 24th, 2019, I gave what I can now call the worst sermon I’ve ever delivered.

Not from a content or delivery perspective. But from a failure to read the room and using the pulpit to try and control a narrative. A crisis was brewing in our congregation and my frightened ego had more influence on what I preached that day than was wise.

It’s taken me years to fully digest what transpired, but now I think back on that morning with equal parts cringe, shame, and sadness.

So naturally, I want to write about it. Such is the blessing/curse of the writer/memoirist.

(I will say upfront that I’ve tried to make amends with the ones I hurt the most that morning. I don’t know if I’ve gotten to all of them, so in the event anyone ends up reading this who remembers that sermon, and remembers feeling not-okay with it, please know that I’m sorry. Your unease made and makes sense.)

The Situation Surrounding that Horrible Sermon

It’s hard to tell the story of that horrible sermon without giving a full picture of the context that led to it. And it’s hard to give the full context without telling stories that aren’t (exclusively or wholly) mine to tell. So forgive me if part of this feels unsatisfactory and/or vague. The story may only kind of make sense because you won’t be able to fully comprehend the context, but I think that’s okay. You’ll get it enough.

However, there is a risk when leaving some gaps unfilled. I’m opening myself up to you making certain assumptions or drawing conclusions that aren’t real or true. But in the name of privacy, those are risks I accept.

Okay enough throat clearing. Here’s what I’ll say regarding the events leading up to that absurd sermon I preached.

Five weeks prior to Sunday, March 24th, we had a disastrous Elder Board meeting involving emotional disruptions, deep disagreements, and hurt feelings.

All of which were made worse by my lack of leadership.

You see, at that point our church was about five years old and I was still serving as the Chair of the Board. It’s not uncommon in the church and in the non-profit world for the leader/president/pastor to also run the Board in the organization’s infancy, but I really should have transitioned out of that role by year five. Trying to run a Board, lead a church, and co-pastor with a spouse was a recipe for disaster.

And boy did disaster strike.

Many painful things resulted from the fallout of that tragic Board meeting, but germane to this article I’ll just say that the immediate impact was: a Board member resigned, multiple families left the church, and we lost some of my dearest and closest friends.

In fact, 2019 was such an awful year (because of the fallout) that personally, the pandemic isolation of 2020 was a welcome respite.

Details of that infamous Board meeting, and what led to the eruption and eventual exodus of key families and close friends, shall remain private. But I can tell you that I have many regrets about the choices I made during that time. Looking back I can see how some of my instincts and intentions were noble, but the impact of certain choices had devastating consequences. While trying to defend and protect someone I loved, I hurt and alienated other people I loved.

That makes me sound better than I was… so let me be clear: those efforts to “defend and protect someone I loved” were not executed perfectly by any means. I had a lot to learn about conflict resolution, power dynamics, communication, listening, boundary setting, and leadership. A bull may have the purest of intentions (oh look! he’s shopping for his mother! how sweet), and yet his clumsy and bulky frame is still the primary reason there is shattered china all over the shop’s floor.

Still Gotta Preach, Tho

Anyway, 2019 sucked rocks for me (and many others) in the church, but here is one of the many wonderfully bizarre (aka, ridiculously stressful) things about pastoral work. Every seven days you have to show up and do your thing regardless of life’s circumstances.

So in the spring of 2019, even though our church was on the verge of a split, I still had to write and deliver a sermon practically every Sunday morning.

As I see it, sermons should at the very least be an outflow of the heart and soul of the preacher. We spend hours during the week opening ourselves to what God would want to say through us, then we try and organize that in an interesting/compelling/engaging way so that we can eventually face one of humanity’s biggest fears (public speaking) and deliver what hopefully is a message inspired and sustained by the Spirit.

That’s the hope. The ideal.

But in reality, for many preachers, life and stress and chaos and constraints all conspire together to muck up that process. To interrupt or even corrupt the flow. Now yes, sometimes sermons are aided by the real-life intrusion of events and emotions. But other times a sermon suffers because too much of the preacher’s own crud blocks the flow of the Spirit.

And what I’m getting at is, on Sunday March 24th, 2019, the accumulating crud of navigating the chaos of friends and (chosen) family leaving the church over grievances that—in many ways—I agreed with yet couldn’t do anything about, absolutely impacted my sermon. Not in the good way.

Which helps to explain why I delivered a sermon in which:

• Fear was the primary author,

• My Ego was the leading character,

• I wrapped some otherwise-interesting nuggets of truth into a larger ball of trying to control the narrative,

• I wounded and alienated dear friends of mine, and

• It took me an embarrassingly long number of years to admit all of this.

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In short, I think t…

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Jesus’ Thoughts on Worship

Imagine if our worship was less focused on theological accuracy and more grounded in personal honesty?

What if the aim of worship had less to do with the rightness of our rel…

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No? That’s just me? (cue Ho…

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The first verse of the cherished hymn, Amazing Grace, ends with this proclamation:

I once was lost, but now I'm found;

‘Twas blind, but now I see

By pulling in the metaphor…

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Not Picking Sides

Except for extreme cases, most friends of couples who are divorcing begin the process by “not wanting to pick sides.” You’re familiar with this, yes?

While such an intent has a beautiful heart behind it, this posture often gets abandoned as time goes on. And look, no judgment here. This stuff is complicated and messy. Adult friendships all by themselves and even under the best circumstances can be challenging. Add on top of that the distress caused when one of the couples in the friend group separates? Woof.

This can especially be true when one or both people in the divorce fall prey to the temptation to juice up their subjective narrative of “why the divorce happened.” Which makes sense. The sympathy of others feels good—I know this first hand. In the ensuing months after our separation, during my deepest grief, it felt good to have people rally to my side; to have friends reinforce my narratives; to have people tell my how it’s probably better for me that I’m not with the other person any more anyways. This kind of full-throated support can act as salving balms to a bleeding heart.

So I get it. It’s human to bend the truth a bit, or omit certain details when we are hurting because it might generate the kind of sympathy that brings temporary relief from the grief.

But one of the many side effects of juicing our side of the story like that is how it inevitably impacts the friends and family doing their best to “not pick a side.”

So today I want to explore the phenomenon of losing friends from a divorce. Specifically my own experience of it. Though I knew such friend-loss is a thing that happens, I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel—even now, 3.5 years later—when it happened to me.

Dividing (Relational) Assets Post Divorce

If a divorced couple is able to quickly pivot from “married” to “good friends,” then everyone in their social orbit (as well as family!) exhales with great relief that they won’t have to take sides.

But such a thing doesn’t happen very often. It is the exception that proves the rule.

Even in cases where a couple might start out with intentions of navigating post-marriage life well, often times the unfolding of the divorce process jostles those intentions enough to cause disruptions in the fabric of the friend group.

So let’s just call it like is: in most divorces there’s not only a division of financial and material assets, there’s also a division of relational assets.

The Pain of Losing Friends in a Divorce

As the title of this post says, even though I knew this would (very very very likely) be the case with me and my ex, it still hurt(s) real bad.

There are a handful of people who were our closest friends that I might not realistically ever see or talk to again. And even if we do cross paths, clearly the friendship has been severed.

Grieving the loss of friendships at the same time as grieving the loss of a spouse, while also grieving the loss of being full-time parent, is truly (pardon the gendered language, but I am me) a nut-punch of epic proportions.

Here are a few ways it hurt and still hurts:

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It’s impossible to choose a favorite, but if…

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NEW STUDY SHOWS INCREASE IN ANTI-GAY BIAS

When it comes to attitudes and tolerance toward gays and lesbians, from about 2000-2020 America experienced an historically rapid pace of moving from an unfav…

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“Alright, I’ll see you there,” I holler at Tim as he clo…

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I know, you barely even remember me at this point!

(But for those who do, and have kept their paid subscription, there’s a free THANK YOU gift for you down below :)

This newsletter has been pretty silent as of late, but there’s a good reason.

I’m in my final stretch of finishing the first draft of my next book.

How fun is THAT?!

This next book will be a follow up to UnClobber.

Here’s what I mean.

As I’ve been doing this work for the past 10+ years I’ve seen firsthand the power when people can rightly understand the clobber passages. And for many folks, that’s all they needed on their way to full LGBTQ inclusion.

Oh, we were wrong about Sodom and Gomorrah?

Oh, Leviticus doesn’t condemn homosexuality?

Oh, Romans isn’t a universal judgement of gay people?

Oh, Corinthians doesn’t exclude LGBTQ people from being Christian?

Right on! LFG.

When that happens, amazing. I’m here for it. It was, after all, the path I took to inclusion.

However… what I’ve learned is that other people have follow up questions.

Good and reasonable follow up questions. Such as…

• But what about Adam and Eve?

• But what about Biblical marriage?

• But what about Gender, and God making male-and-female?

• But what about those ex-gay stories I sometimes hear about?

These are the kinds of questions that flood my inbox and show up at my events.

And these are the topics I’m addressing in this next book.

But wait there’s more…

because in addition to addressing the FAQ’s from the not-yet affirming crowd, I’m going to offer my own “But what abouts….”

• But what about the trajectory of inclusion seen in the story of the church?

• But what about the Divine preference for Diversity we see in the Bible?

• But what about the reality that beliefs are not the point?

• But what about the breadcrumbs of inclusion sprinkled throughout Scripture?

This book (tentatively titled, But What About) has been my hardest book to write so far. It’s taken me far longer than I anticipated. In fact, it was originally due on October 1st, and I had to ask for (and graciously received) an extension from my editor.

The last couple months if anything is on my calendar that is NOT “Write Book,” I cancel or reschedule it.

The only TV I’m watching at night is basically sports and reality TV, because I don’t want any other narratives in here (points to head). This is also why I stopped listening to podcasts in the morning when I shower, get ready, and make coffee.

Stay. Focused.

So yeah, that’s why I haven’t had the capacity to write for Perspective Shift. I should be back here more regularly come January.

Thanks for understanding!

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In the Meantime

In lieu of some written content, may I tempt you with the last couple sermons I’ve preached at Denver Community Church? Where I joined the Teaching Team earlier this year?

A Thank You Gift

I know that quite a few of you dropped your paid subscription these past couple months (about 10%… oooof), and I get it. The affordability crisis is real, and you probably couldn’t justify paying for a subscription for something that wasn’t regularly providing you with value.

For those that are still with me, either because you support me and this work regardless of the frequency, or because you just haven’t remembered to cancel yet, thank you!

As a thank you I’d like to give you an exclusive peek at the first draft of the Introduction. I think it perfectly captures where this book plans to go.

Introduction to “But What About”

Imagine a world where your devotion to Jesus and your love for Scripture do not block affirmation, but instead they make LGBTQ inclusion inevitable.

Look, I get it, I used to skip Introductions, too. I don’t need you to tell me what you’re going to tell me, just tell me. Quit clearing your throat and get to it already. Cut the fluff, deliver the goods (which is likely what my editor will say about this entire opening bit, we shall see). But then I went to Europe with my friend Larry, had dinner below the cobblestone streets of France where the walls were lined with barrels of Bordeaux, and learned something that forever altered my posture toward Introductions.

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Today I want to pick up where …

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Question for you: Is there a proper/improper way to feel when someone dies?

Generally speaking I’m of the opinion that we should be reaaaalllly slow to judge

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One response I totally understood, and kind of agreed with.

The other response I kind of understood, an…

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Upstanding citizens kept getting hot and bothered that Jesus routinely kept company with—how to put this—the undesirables of his time.

In order to try…

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Not only do I love the title, Better Ways to Read the Bible, but I love what the title is saying.

Because yes, we do in…

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This phase of ministry, though markedly different from my prev…

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As mentioned yesterday, I don’t think I’ve always been that great at friendship.

My propensity to be selfish,

my focus on achieving and being the best,

my fear of being vul…

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