5 Responses for When Gay Christians Forsake Their Gayness and Find a Kind of Happiness

What do we do with stories of ex-gay people? Or people who deny/repent of their same-sex attraction? I have five things to say about that.

If you’ve been around for a while then you know that I’ve written several articles responding to an article by J.D. Greear, an evangelical pastor who also serves on the council of The Gospel Coalition. The gist of his article was a challenge for non-affirming churches to be more clear about their non-affirmation of LGBTQ people—a stance that I totally agree with (as I wrote about here), even if Greear’s and mine’s impetuses differ.

Today I want to respond to the part in Greear’s article where, after insisting that gay people give up their sexuality as an act of repentance, he cites the testimonies of two gay individuals for whom living out their sexual orientation actually was a hindrance in their spiritual lives.

What are we (and by “we” here I mean, those of us who still identify as Christian and who also are fully affirming and inclusive of LGBTQ people) to do with stories like that?

Stories of people who identify somewhere on the LGBTQ panoply and who also recount how their life is now more meaningful, more satisfactory, as a result of “renouncing” or repenting from their “gay lifestyle” (or whatever).

This also connects to what I wrote the other day where, in an open letter, I responded to Dr Rebecca McLaughlin (who also wrote an article for TGC) about her poor handling of (what she claims are) “affirming” theological perspectives. McLaughlin is someone who also fits this description: at one point in time she identified as same-sex attracted, but is now happily married to a man, etc etc.

Okay, so I have a couple thoughts about all of this, but first let me start by saying that while I might challenge someone’s thinking, or ask questions about why they think/say/do, for the most part I try not to take people’s experiences away from them.

When someone says, “this was my experience,” it does little good (and can be hurtful) to respond with, “well you’re just wrong.”

Their experience is their experience, which means it fundamentally was not your experience.

Yes, it’s possible that you had a similar experience… but similar is not same.

Yes, it’s possible that (for a number of reasons) they are not reliable narrators of their own experience… but arguing that point is usually fruitless.

Yes, it’s possible they might one day down the road have (yet another) change of heart and mind on the matter of their sexual orientation… that’s not for us to say.

So first I think we start with saying, “Okay, I hear you. I respect that this was your experience, and I trust that you are doing your best to understand it, engage with it, and learn from it.”

And then from there, I have five things I want to say about this topic.

1. Sexual orientation exists on a spectrum (they might be bi-, not gay)

2. The “ex”gay person might very well still be on a journey

3. Regardless of what the religion/beliefs are, aligning yourself to an ideology is a meaningful and powerful thing

4. There are lots of reasons why someone might’ve had a bad experience living out their gay-selves

5. If I can respect and trust the story of the person who, in response to their sincere desire to follow God, forsook their identity, can they respect and trust the stories of those who embraced their orientation in their desire to live in harmony with God?

Let’s unpack each one…