An Honest Evaluation of Why I Let Certain Things Bother Me

It’s easier to just call things annoying, obnoxious, or rude. But if they don’t bother everyone, then that means I carry responsibility. That’s less easy to accept.

The other day I wrote an (arguably overly philosophical and navel-gazing) article waxing on about how our experience of every given moment in the here and now is our experience of our life.

So how you are feeling right now, in this moment, is also how you are feeling about capital-L Life.

I then suggested that this creates a problem because life, for the most part, is not designed to perfectly suit our preferences. Which means we inevitably encounter the ever present feelings of being disappointed, disillusioned, frustrated, anxious, and otherwise unsettled.

Everything from the mundane:

• Your family used up all the hot water so your morning shower is cold

• The neighbors played music late into the night so your sleep was disrupted

• Every light was red on your drive to work

• The coffee pot at the office is broken

• Nobody has engaged with the photos from your European trip on Instagram

• Your partner planned a dinner meet up with people you don’t really like

To the more substantial:

• The stock market took a dive, and took much of your savings with it

• The doctor’s office finally called back with the results—not good

• The Strait of Hormuz is… well, who knows anymore

• One of your kids is icing you out and hasn’t spoken to you in months

• The check engine light came on… again

• Another person needlessly dies at the hands of ICE

Put simply, the game is rigged.

The odds are ever not in our favor.

So if we don’t come up with a strategy (or two or three) for how to show up to each moment of every day in a way that doesn’t leave us constantly blown by the winds of a universe not created to keep us safe and cozy, then we will suffer. A lot.

(And, I would argue, needlessly so. I think we can actually practice being bothered less. That’s kind of the engine behind this entire line of thinking.)

By the way, what I’ve been trying to explain has already been summed up by the Buddha who taught that “life is suffering.” It was his way of naming that we exist within an ecosystem ill-suited to meet our every needs.

If we want to enjoy our life…

(But do you? I do)

and if we want to have some semblance of control…

(or perhaps “influence” is a better word)

for how we are feeling in the here and now…

then we darn well better consider how to use this (*points to head*) and this (*points to heart*) in ways that help us deal with all that (*points to everything else*).

Why Do Those Things Bother You?

If you missed my post the other day I named a few things that really bother me. Or to be more honest, things I let bother me.

Then I invited you to make your own list and sit with the question: Why?

Why do those things bother you?

Since I won’t ask you to do something I won’t also do, let me share what came up for me in that exercise.

Here’s five things that bother me, and then some thoughts on why.

• People Playing Music in Public Spaces (eg. Beach or Hiking)
  This bothers me because I like the sounds of nature over and above the sounds of humans. Other people’s music is lovely for them, but for me it’s just noise—especially if it’s music I don’t like, or doesn’t fit the vibe I was hoping for with my beach day or hike. It bothers me because I had a certain expectation about laying in the sun, relaxing to the sounds of breaking waves; I had expectations about communing with the birds and the trees and the thoughts in my own head… and your aggressive and artificial noise is assaulting my consciousness.

• Public Phone Usage
  Phalking (aka, Phone-walking) bothers me because why do I have to watch where you are walking? If you’re going to stare down at your phone while walking, the you should assume the risk of running into things, not me. Your lack of paying attention is annoying to me. And not using headphones for your phone call or for your social media scrolling bothers me because why should I have to listen to the nonstop drivel coming from your TikTok algorithm? To the person who’s doing the physical scrolling the sudden start/stop of constant sounds is less disruptive because their body/mind knows to expect a new sound upon each swipe. But to innocent bystanders? We’re just constantly bombarded by new noises every few seconds. Ugh. Rude.

• Fast and Reckless Driving
  This bothers me because I don’t want to get into a car accident, nor do I want anyone else on the road to either. Driving is dangerous enough without you making it 10x worse for yourself and others.

• Holding Tiny Microphones
  This bothers me because it looks ridiculous. It looks like when Shaq was on Hot Ones, his giant hands holding (what only appear to be) tiny chicken wings. I’ve spent most of my life in and around microphones and sound systems, so I have a certain aesthetic assumption about what it looks like to hold a mic, and when people pinch these tiny microphones like they’re clutching a Lego it just looks dumb.

• Saying “Right” All the Time
  This bothers me because I can’t not hear it anymore and because everyone and their mom does it. It makes the person sound (to me, of course) uneducated—which is absurd, because some of the smartest people do it! Nails on a chalkboard, man.

After I do that exercise of seriously trying to articulate why things bother me, here’s what I notice.

1. I can get bothered by what I perceive as selfish behavior. When people think that their reality, their needs, their wants, their preferences are more important than everyone else’s.

   1. What makes you think we all want to listen to your music? What makes you think your desire to drive fast is more important than our safety? Why are you expecting all of us to get out of your way while you’re phalking?

2. I can get bothered when my expectations are not met. In my mind I have a way I want/hope/expect something to go, and when that gets thwarted because of choices made by other people, I don’t like it.

   1. I wanted this hike to be peaceful and you’ve ruined it. I wanted to sit in this cafe and read but your phone call is hogging the sonic space.

3. I can get bothered when my preferences and opinions are not prioritized.

   1. I think saying “right” constantly knocks you down a peg or two. I think holding a tiny mic looks silly and you should care more about how it looks.

When I spell it out like that, I immediately notice just how hypocritical I can be (I accuse you of being selfish, all the while I get annoyed when things don’t go my way), and, I can clearly see the existential problem as outlined above:

the world is not, and never will be, arranged perfectly to suit my every need or want.

Look, maybe the argument can be made that some of the above things are objectively annoying, while others are subjectively bothersome to me. But even still, let’s go ahead and say that driving fast and reckless on the freeway is universally and inherently problematic, that doesn’t actually solve anything. I can’t slow drivers down. I can’t jump inside their consciousness and elevate how they see the world so that they give a crap about other lives on the road. I have no control over them.

So I’m back at square one. The bothering is still happening inside of me.

There are things that bother me because, for whatever reason, I, Colby, get bothered by them. They don’t bother everyone, but they do bother me. This is subjective bothering.

And there are things that may indeed be inherently annoying and very likely would bother everyone, yet I, Colby, am helpless to change it. This is objective bothering.

What has helped me greatly over the years is coming to the realization that regardless of the category of bothering (subjective or objective) I am not powerless in how I feel about it.

Or maybe more accurately put, I have agency in what I do in response to my initial feelings about.

Even if there is that initial feeling of getting annoyed (e.g. I’m listening to a podcast and the person being interviewed keeps saying “right” at the end of their sentence, and every time my internal Bother-Meter gets pinged), there is a next moment.

There is a space just after that ping.

And it is in that space where my agency arrives.

It is in that space where we do, as it turns out, have some say about how we experience our life.

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Agree? Disagree? Thoughts?

I’m curious what this brings up for you. Would love to hear.