Confessions of a Not-So-Great Friend

In order to improve in this area of my life I must first get honest about why I've struggled in the past.

I’m going to say something about myself here in a second that runs the risk of being thirsty for affirmation. Just know, up front, that’s very much not my intent.

In fact, there’s a not-always-obvious line that separates Honest Self Assessment from Superfluous Self Deprecation.

The former (Honest Self Assessment) seeks to interrogate the Self in a way that refuses to varnish over our own weakness, and instead seeks improvement through genuine reflection. While Honest Self Assessment may sound self-critical at times, it is intended for growth and maturation.

The other (what I call Superfluous Self Deprecation), on the surface, appears like Honest Self Assessment, but its aims and intent are actually quite different. The intent is usually to illicit a reinforcing response from others that rebuts the supposedly self aware statement.

In other words, we put ourselves down in hopes that people will respond with:

• Aww c’mon, you’re not like that! You’re amazing!

• You look great!

• You’re doing the best you can!

• It’s not your fault, it’s so and so’s!

And so on.

These kinds of responses (usually from friends) are of course well intended. It’s natural to want to build up the people we love! We want to encourage and support them. And if it’s something silly or shallow (eg, Me: Ugh, my hair is a disaster right now. You: Ah c’mon, it looks great!) that’s fine.

No harm, no foul.

But if it’s something deeper, more serious, more along the lines of our character or pattern of behavior, then the stakes are much higher. The immediate rebuttal of a close friend—while well intentioned—might be the worst thing they can do (ie, the friends of the Emperor owe it to them to say, “Nah brah, you actually don’t have any clothes on. You buck naked, and it’s weird.”)

In reality, while we use Honest Self Assessment for personal growth, when we use the the faux honesty of Self Deprecation we are desire to remain unchanged.

We don’t want to take responsibility for how we got where we are or who we’ve become. We just want people to pat us on the back and assure us that we can continue being like we’ve always been.

Okay where am I going with all this…

If I’m being honest, I’m not entirely sure from which place (Honest Self Assessment or Superfluous Self Deprecation) the following sentence comes from, and yet I’ll say it:

I’m not sure I’m all that good at friendship.

In fact, I think in some cases, with some people—especially in the past—I’ve been a really bad friend.

Is this self assessment? Where I want to name what is true so that I can grow?

Or is it faux honesty? Where I’m just seeking pats on the back and thirsty for affirmation, all so that I can avoid doing anything different?

I. Don’t. Know.

Regardless, since I’ve had the topic of friendship on my mind lately, and before I post more articles on the topic, I felt like pausing for some self reflection. Just because I have some thoughts on friendship (such as, what to do with those friendships you formed because a certain thing brought you together but now that thing has ended) does not make me an expert by any means. I wrote about seven articles on friendship before I paused to think, “Wait a minute… am I even all that great at friendship?”

Four UnFlattering Things About Me

I’m going to list four things I know that are true about me.

Things that are not at all flattering. In fact, just typing them out has made me feel queasy while in this coffee shop because I know they are true. 🤢

The reason I’m sharing these things about me is beacuse I have to imagine the following characteristics/quirks/issues have affected my relationships over the years. So when I reflect on my own quality of “being a friend,” these things come up.

In no particular order:

• I can be self absorbed

• I can be achievement oriented

• I can be afraid of vulnerability

• I can be stingy

Each of those statements I can say with honesty (and… I think… almost no shame…?) as a result of a lot of earnest self reflection and therapy. I don’t say them as self deprecation, however. Notice that I phrase them as, “I can be…” and not, “I am.” This distinction between behavior (things I do) versus identity (what I am) is important. Which is why I think I hold no (or little) shame around them.

Because these four things are true about me, then there’s no escaping that of course these quirks, these issues, these areas-that-require-attention have and will naturally impact my relationships.

If I want to be a better friend—and I do—then I need to be honest about some of the ways that I’ve let down friends in the past.

That being said, I also want to name the temptation to follow up the above four confessions with things such, “But I’m not always like this!” Or, “But I’ve gotten so much better!”

Sure, both of those statements are true. Therapy and age have done wonders in terms of sanding off some of my roughest edges. In each of those four areas I used to be way worse. But it doesn’t change their reality (especially in years past).

Plus, I’m also conscious of how buffering statements like “But…!” runs the risk of reinforcing my need to be seen in a certain light. Which is another of my issues: My image and how you perceive me can sometimes feel so big and important that I fear that when I say honest (and unflattering) things about myself, if I just let you think/feel about me as you please, then that will be the worst.

Because then you won’t like me.

Then you won’t admire or respect me.

Then you won’t love me.

And actually, it’s that internal fear of not-being-loved that creates the kind of insecure clinging that underlies each of these four issues.

In tomorrow’s newsletter I’m going to say more about each of these four things that, for me, have impacted the quality of my relationships over the years.

Will it be comfortable or fun for me to share?

Of course not.

But am I going to do it anyway?

Well, I’ve already scheduled the post… so I guess so.