My Mushroom Journey to Healed Trauma, Less Shame, and More Love (Part 9: Do I Still Want to Be a Pastor?)

A week before my mushroom Journey I went to a retreat in NYC with one question on my mind: Do I still WANT to be a Pastor?

Snapping selfies in NYC while searching my soul for vocational direction

The week before I did mushrooms I was in New York City attending a retreat for progressively minded Christian leaders.

Emotionally I was there because I felt lonely and wanted to be with friends and colleagues. And psychologically, well, I went with the intent to explore a question I’d never before seriously considered: “Do I still want to be a pastor?”

I’ve been working as a pastor in local church ministry for twenty years and, save for one small blip of time in 2011, never had I doubted the answer to that question. Since I was 17 years old I’ve known that I wanted to be a pastor.

Call it a calling,

call it God’s plan for my life,

call it a realization that it would be a profession uniquely designed for my particular set of skills…

the point is, I’ve never really questioned my vocation.

The one noted exception was back when I worked at The Grove, an evangelical megachurch outside Phoenix, and they fired me in 2011 because my theology had shifted to be affirming of LGBTQ people. Sure, for a couple months after that I wondered if I was still meant to be a pastor, but that was more a function of, will there be any churches out there ready and willing to hire me? (My world at that time was pretty small. Such a concern now seems quaint. There are lots of ministry opportunities for LGBTQ affirming pastors.)

In NYC, however, I legitimately sought clarity on my future. Did I want to keep being a pastor?