Not Sure if I'm Proud of What I Did at PRIDE Three Years Ago
In the moment it felt good. Looking back? I'm less certain it aligns with my values.
Between the years of 2015 and 2022 the church that I planted and pastored in San Diego (Sojourn Grace Collective) marched as a contingent in the annual Pride Parade. A highlight every year, our community came alive as we coalesced around our shared values of inclusivity and justice.
Decked out in rainbow garb, flamboyant accessories, face paint and more, the Pride Parade gave our church a beautiful outlet not only to walk the talk of being an LGBTQ affirming church, but it also showed the queer folks who attend our church that they truly were loved and really did belong.
Each year my role was the same: I’d arrive early in the morning with our Sojo vehicle, park it in the staging area for the parade, setup a tent, put out a cooler, and wait for several hours until the rest of our group got there and it was our time to join the parade.
I was also the driver of the vehicle every year, which I didn’t mind (because of the A/C, duh).
But after being the designated drive for a number of years I wanted to experience one parade where I walked with our group instead of always trailing behind in the car—as shown in this video.
I wanted to be closer to the people on the sidewalks. I wanted to walk alongside my community. Touch flesh with those who were there to celebrate the beauty of diversity, and commemorate the distances we’ve travelled as a country with regards to equality.
So in 2022 (which ended up being our final Pride Parade as a church) I recruited someone else to drive the car so that I could be a walker. What transpired about halfway in to the parade was a sign that maybe I should’ve stayed in the car. In the moment, and when (and how) I reacted, it felt good. Felt right. Felt pure and honest. Which is often how we feel in the moment when we “react.” We feel justified.
But looking back now three years later? I have mixed feelings.
I’m reminded of teh difference between reacting (which is often an external expression of some internal emotion, without going through an important step of processing said emotion) instead of responding (which typically is how we act on the other side of having processed our emotions).
It’s the difference between flying off the handle, and, calmly stepping down off the handle.
Okay, so here’s what happened…
The Usual Protestors at Pride
As I’m sure is the case for most Pride Parades, every year in San Diego a small portion of the parade route is partitioned off so that Christians can protest. About 20-30 people each July spend their Saturday holding signs that boldly proclaim how they feel about gay people—which obviously is not pleasant.
It’s worth pointing out that the fact that they can do this, and do this safely, is a hallmark of American Democracy. Something which, unfortunately, is no longer a given. The current Trumpiansism that runs the country has made moves recently (ie, Los Angeles) to start putting serious limitations on our citizens capacity to protest. As much as we may not like it when other people protest the things we support (such as the Christians at Pride Parades, for example), the solution cannot be to eliminate protesting altogether. Therefore, if you want to be able to exercise this important right when it comes to things you desire to protest, then you also need to be okay when others do it too.
Anyway, back to Pride of 2022…
Now that I’m not driving the vehicle, I’m walking the parade route with my family and my church, and waving merrily at folks on either sides of the street. Proud to represent our beautiful church, Sojourn Grace Collective, and proud to be an ally for celebrating the freedom of LGBTQ people.
Here’s a video clip shot from the person who drove our car that year. You can see me just ahead of the car, out in the street in a blue shirt. Then the camera pans to the right just as our group passed by the small group of protestors.
In years past I recall driving by this section of the parade route and laying on the horn, hoping that my loud obnoxious honking would drown out their chants and yells about the “depravity” of Pride and the “sinfulness” of homosexuality.
But this time? As a walker? I had no horn.
But I had feelings. Lots of them. In fact, more than usual (as I’ll explain below). And rather than take a beat to process those feelings and wait until the heat of the moment passed so that I could respond in a way that aligned with my values (if I even wanted to respond at all), I chose to react.
Before going further with the story let me say three things to provide some context.
First, this incident was approximately six weeks after my life-changing experience with plant medicine. That matters because I was still very much in a space of radical and expansive emotional openness. Meaning, I was feeling everything. Deeply. And my typical guardrails for things like embarrassment and caring-what-others-thought were muted… perhaps even offline. These are good things, by the way. Those few months of open heartedness were a gift. As a general principle for my life I wish I was more free, more open, more expressive. I wish I was less encumbered by worrying what others think about me. Post-mushroom Colby danced (a lot), he laughed loudly and easily, he delighted in the small and was awed by the big. He was present and he felt things deeply and immediately. Why does that matter for this story? Because pre-mushroom Colby probably would’ve made a different choice that day in the Pride Parade.
Second, this should come as no surprise, but anti-affirming Christianity really bothers me. Christians who continue to uphold the historic position on sexuality are one thing… fine, whatever. But those who actively work to prevent LGBTQ people from having the same rights as the rest of us; those who use shame as a tactic to control gay people; those who utilize reparative therapy as though homosexuality can be ‘cured,’ and those who go to Pride Parades just to stand there and loudly shout their bigotry (as though it AT ALL represents Jesus), these kinds of things really REALLY bother me. They activate all my internal senses of injustice. They fire up the heat of hypocrisy that I cannot stand within my religion. So being that close to that level of ignorance, fear, and intolerance, was incredibly activating for me.
Third, I also remember feeling this immense pressure to represent OUR church as an alternative expression of Jesus over and against THOSE people with their picket signs. I think this impetus fuels much of my work these days. Presenting an alternative vision for what it means to follow Jesus is the heartbeat of so much of what I write and speak about. As I reflect on my reaction that afternoon, I think part of it was motivated by a sense of, “Oh yeah? You think YOU’RE the Christians here? Well we ALSO claim to follow Jesus, and we think you SUCK!”
So there I am, filled with overflowing (and conflicting) emotions of joy and pride and love and light, mixed with righteous anger and frustration, mixed with the urge to want to make some kind of statement that they’re not like us (or rather, we’re not like them), and this is what I came up with…
I stood there like this, both birds fully extended, for I dunno, twenty seconds? Here’s another clip from that video, catching me in the moment.
Look, I realize that in the grand scheme of things flipping someone off probably doesn’t register for a lot of people. I’m sure most folks find it harmless, and even the fact that I took 1200 words of setup to share this with you might even feel like a letdown. You may have thought that I’d gone and tackled a sign holder, or thrown stuff their way, or even just hurled insults back.
But nope. I went with this…
The title of this newsletter is, “Not Sure if I’m Proud of What I Did at PRIDE,” but after working on this piece and sifting through photos and videos, and writing all this out, I’ll end by being more definitive:
I am not proud of what I did at PRIDE 2022 in San Diego.
Sure, it can feel good sometimes to let out some steam. To give expression to our anger. To close our ears to Michelle Obama and go low when they go low.
But at the end of the day I don’t think such reactions are manifestations of our better angels. I agree with MLK that only love can drive out hate. People who protest Pride Parades are drenched in fear, and the Bible teaches that perfect love casts out fear. Lincoln said that we destroy our enemies when we make them our friends. Howard Thurman wrote that hatred does not empower, it decays, and it is only through love that we find strength to rise above the evil that surrounds.
I believe in love. And I cannot find love in those photos/videos above. Well that’s not entirely true. My love for my LGBTQ friends and family no doubt sat at the core of why I felt so bothered by the protestors. But that gesture, and the message sent by it, were not and are not love. As Toni Morrison says, “Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly.”
If saying f-you to a crowd of fellow children of God can at all be characterized as “love,” then it can only ever be a weak and wicked kind of love.
The bottom line is that I follow Jesus (or at least try to), and I simply cannot rationalize the standing in the middle of a road gesturing f*ck you to a crowd of people based on the teachings of Jesus. Sure he flipped tables that one time, but that was not an emotional reaction. That was a strategic response. Done not because he was mad and wanted to blow off some steam, but because he was making a powerful statement about the injustice of what was happening in the temple.
And besides, just because Jesus flipped some tables doesn’t therefore justify me to flip birds. On no planet do I think I am as wise, enlightened, grounded, mature, or driven by love as Jesus was.
When I see those pics/clips above now, I’m reminded of the disciples who wanted to rain down judgment on Samaritans, and Jesus rebuked them for it. I don’t care how justified I felt or feel in my anger and indignation toward anti-LGBTQ Christians, the path of Jesus disallows me to react as I did three years ago.
One final quote, this time from the Czech playwright, poet, and eventual President, Vaclav Havel:
True and love must prevail over lies and hatred.
I am sorry to those whom I directed my anger and my hatred that afternoon in July of 2022. Such a choice does not reflect my values, nor does it align with my goals.
I was wrong, and I am sorry.
This was food for thought. I wanted to share with you that your 1200 word lead up was awesome! And then just a picture of you with the birds flying! I actually lol’d! Not just saying it. So do I condone it… it’s not for me to judge, but I would be easy on yourself. You could’ve done worse and plenty of people do. Anyway, your reflection on this was very wise and helpful to me. So, I thank you for that…. BUT I also thank you for the joy that moment gave to me, and I’m sure that moment gave JOY to others.
Thank you my brother for sharing your humanity! I think that is what happened to the apostle Paul when he left Corinth (Acts 18:6). He seems to have lost his patience... but praise God HE is much more patient than Paul (or any of us) and He sent dear Apollos to finish the work there until Apollos (Acts 18:28) 'convinced the Jews that Jesus was the Christ! (The literal meaning being he 'knocked them out!"
Take courage my friend, you are still loved by God and many brothers! Thanks for teaching how to be humble and sorry among other things! Much love and a big hug from Italy!