The Lopsided Story of My Parent's Divorce

Growing up I was given one particular narrative about why my parents divorced. That one-sided narrative was THE defining narrative of my childhood--and not for the better.

Maybe one of the last Martin Family photos before my parents’ divorce. From left to right: My dad, my mom, my older brother, my younger brother, and me with that adorably large smile 😬

The Defining Narrative of My Childhood

Growing up as a child of divorce I was given one narrative and one narrative alone about why my parents divorced.

This narrative was offered easily and often by my mom. It was reinforced to me and my brothers all throughout our childhood as well as freely provided to pretty much anyone who asked.

The narrative: It was my dad’s fault. He was unfaithful. His “infidelity” was the Reason for the divorce.

And this narrative became the defining narrative of my childhood. It impacted our larger family structures. It impacted our church community. It impacted my relationship with my dad and my eventual stepmom. It impacted my understanding of marriage. It impacted my sense of self-worth.

And it sure as hell impacted my own marriage and eventual divorce, too.

While divorce continues to make the ACE list (Adverse Childhood Experiences) of things that contribute to CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), I submit that not all divorces impact children equally.

It’s like car crashes: They’re never great, but the amount of damage, collateral damage, and long-lasting negative effects vary according to multiple factors.

And a big factor in determining how damaging and detrimental a divorce is to the kids is the Story or the Narrative told about why it happened.

As far as car crash/divorce narratives go, the one given me and my brothers was pretty brutal.

Biblical, Clean, and Convenient… However…

The narrative (that it was my dad’s fault because of adultery) provided three significant things.

1. Biblical Justification
   According to our Baptist upbringing the only Biblical grounds for divorce was adultery. If one must endure the shame of being divorced in the church, then it’s ideal to have the covering of, “Well at least it’s Biblical.” The narrative given to me about my parent’s divorce was that it was Biblical.

2. Clean and Simple Story
   When couples get divorced many people want to know “what happened!?” They want the story. The scoop. The juice. My mom’s narrative offered juicy scoops in spades. It was a clear and compelling story. The cast of characters were easy to identify: Bad Guy, Good Gal. For me growing up, the reason why my parents divorced was simple to explain.

3. Ongoing Victimhood-Status for My Mom
   This one is tricky and delicate but it’s absolutely part of the larger picture. The narrative of my dad cheating on my mom fit perfectly into her comfort zone of being at the receiving end of the suckiest things Life has to offer. You see, my mom had about the worst childhood you could imagine… and she survived it. She is truly a badass in so many ways. It’s remarkable, really. However, her incredible survival skills as a child had the unfortunate side effect (as is often the case) of conditioning her to be Victim in all of life’s ongoing stories. It is a role she’s never fully found healing from. You could say it is the lens through which she sees so much of the world and interpersonal relationships.

So yes, the story about my parent’s divorce was simple, Biblical, and convenient for how my mom understood the world.

However, there’s one very important thing that this narrative did not provide.