Adult Friendships: How... What.. Who?!

Lately I've got friendship on the brain. Where'd some friends go? How do I make new ones? Why is it so weird and hard sometimes? Anyone else relate...?

Its it just me, or are adult friendships challenging?

Making them.

Maintaining them.

Mourning them when they end.

Then trying to make new ones to replace the ones you lost… only to anticipate that you might lose those ones too.

Woof, what a roller coaster.

Recently I moved to Portland, OR, leaving my home in San Diego where for the past 12 years I grew a family, pastored two churches, and made and lost (and made and lost again) many friends.

Before leaving San Diego last summer I threw myself a kind of going-away party because I wanted one final opportunity to say Thank You to some folks for their friendship.

It was a precious afternoon of laughter, love, stories, and connection.

Truly some of the finest people were kind enough to lend me their friendship during my San Diego tenure.

My gratitude runs deep.

Leaving San Diego Party -- My Friends!

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Wait, I’ve Been Here Before

Leading up to the party I recalled the last time I did something similar.

It was the fall of 2011 and I’d just been fired from The Grove, the church in Arizona that could not accept the fact that I’d shifted my theology to be affirming of LGBTQ people. Our family’s entire friend network was made up of people from the church, and our unceremonious exit caused most of our friends to either quietly keep their distance (after all, the messaging from the leaders of the church made me sound heretical and dangerous), or outright claim their allegiance to the church and decry us as no-longer-friends.

Therefore, when Kate and I hosted a picnic lunch to say goodbye to our people, it was a shockingly small number of folks in attendance.

While the differences between that exit from AZ (in 2011) and my recent one from San Diego are certainly stark, I was also surprised at how similar some of the feelings were.

As I worked to assemble the invite list for my going away party it was fascinating to think about all the friends I’d made in 12 years… and yet how many were I still in touch with?

How many would accept an invite?

How many had I lost along the way?

And then how many that I had lost but then regained?

All that to say, it was a lovely afternoon celebrating friendship, but now I’m here, in a new city, where I hardly know anyone, and it’s got me thinking about friendship in all new ways.

Friendship on the Brain

Moving here marks the first time I’ve ever lived alone. Plus, it’s also the first time I’ve moved to a new city where I won’t have immediate potential community.

I mean, being a pastor for the past 20 years meant that whenever we moved to a new city there was always a church to provide instant networks of possible connections and friendship.

But this recent move, combined with the total upheaval of the past two years of my life (closing Sojourn and getting divorced) has got me thinking a lot about friendship lately, and thinking about it in ways I haven’t previously given much thought to.

And what do I do when I think about something a lot?

I write about it ☺️

Articles on Friendship, Coming Soon to an Inbox Near You

Coming soon I’ve got a handful of articles on the topic of friendships, but that’s not because I’m an expert in the field.

In fact, the more I contemplate friendship, the less I think I’m all that great at it to be honest. While I’d like to think that at least a few people out there would think of me and think, “Yeah, Colby is good at friendship,” that list is probably smaller than I think it is.

Because I know that I can be selfish.

I can be forgetful.

And while I do this less often now (I think.. I hope…) I used to see relationships as more transactional than just enjoyable. My Enneagram Type Three brain was like, How can this relationship provide increased productivity? 🥴

My point is, if you’re looking for tips on how to be a better friend, I’m not sure I’ll satisfy.

But if you’re curious to find out whether or not your

• experiences of frustration in finding friends, and

• sadness about friendships ending, and

• disappointment in how friends sometimes treat you, and

• what-the-heckness as it relates to adult friendships

if you’re like, “IS IT JUST ME!?!”

Then friend, you’re in the right place.

It’s not just you.

What I’ll be Exploring

These past several months I’ve been asking new questions such as:

How do I meet new people?

How do I initiate friendships?

How many friends do I want?

Where did old friends go?

So in the coming weeks I’ll be publishing articles exploring topics such as:

• Retaining friendships after closing down a church can be clunky

• Losing friends in a divorce sucks—even when you know it’s coming

• Reconnecting with friends you thought were lost is freaking gold

• Having friends ghost you (both in media and in real life) is a painful mindf*ck

• Friendships—like all things—won’t last forever, and that’s okay

• We may not need as many friends as we think we do

Though the specifics of my observations/lessons might be unique to me and my story, I do think they point to universal truths about the complexity of friendship.

This stuff feels important. And sometimes hard to talk about.

So if it’s helpful to have someone (like me) say some of it out loud, then, as always…

I don’t mind being that guy.

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FRIENDS CAN SAVE!

Yes, friendship can be challenging, sure.

But also, adult friendships harbor the unique potential to be life-giving, meaning-making, and hope-providing in ways that nothing else can.

It was friends who kept me afloat (alive?) after my life fell apart at the end of 2022.

So while relationships can be hard, and take work and effort… they are WORTH it.

Some of the friends who helped save my life