The One Line of Relationship Advice that Actually Works
The patterns and paths that lead to rupture and disconnection are easy. We take them often. But this one practice has helped me imagine a different way.
I don’t know how to resolve all conflicts in relationships, but I do know a trick to at least give yourself a shot at it.
One of my favorite books is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön.
In Chapter 21 she describes the human propensity to return over and over again to our same old patterns. We all develop these habits, these ways of trying to soothe ourselves (or, more likely, numb ourselves) in an attempt to deal with our sadness, loneliness, and fears.
When chaos or stress or anxieties or conflict arises, we each have our go-to moves, and usually these moves, these tactics, were developed early in our childhood as means to keep us safe. They “worked” insofar as we did, technically, survive. But now those same go-to maneuvers and habits hold us back. They work against us rather than work for us.
If you care at all about the quality of your life (and I hope you do), and if you care about the health of your relationships (and I hope you do) then we might now ask,
Okay so how do we break those cycles and habits and patterns?
To that end, one line in particular from Chapter 21 jumped out at me when I first read it twelve years ago. Its impact on my life was both immediate and profound.
Here’s the passage, and I’ve bolded the line I’m referring to.
