What Do I Really Want? (Part 10 in "My Mushroom Journey to Healed Trauma, Less Shame, and More Love")

Prior to taking the mushroom, my Guides gave me a list of 24 questions for self reflection. Who am I? What am I afraid of? What do I really want??

Why am I seeking a psychedelic experience right now in my life?

Am I willing to do the work when things get difficult?

Am I willing to hear, tell, and feel the truth?

These are just a few of the two dozen questions Ryan sent to me for contemplation prior to my Journey. With only a few moments left before I was scheduled to arrive at Ryan and Michelle’s home, I scanned over some of my answers scrawled on the pages of my notebook.

As mentioned last week, I wrote these answers while in New York City on a sort of exploration of the question, “Do I still want to be a pastor?” During one of the afternoons there the organizers of the event blocked out several hours for attendees to create intentional time for reflection. I made my way down to the Meatpacking District with no particular destination in mind other than a place to sit, think, and work on some of the pre-mushroom questions I’d yet to reflect on.

As I turn south off W 20th St on to Lincoln Highway that runs the length of the Hudson River, I’m arrested by a captivating sight of concrete pillars jutting up from the river, neatly arranged in an undulating pattern. The funnel shaped pillars remind me of a marble game I used to play with my kids, where you’d build a tower of connected plastic colored ramps and tubes for the sake of dropping marbles in at the top and watching them drop, roll, and spin their way down to the bottom.

I learn this landmark is called Little Island, and on top of the concrete funnel shaped pillars is a stunning manmade island of grass and trees and flowers and hills. It’s remarkable, the way this arrangement of elements sits out on the water. Brimming with people walking about, I decide it is there, out on Little Island, where I’ll take a couple hours to sit with these soul intensive questions.

Little Island in the Hudson River, NYC

I’d like to share with you my responses to some of the questions that primed my heart, mind, and soul for my upcoming experience with mushrooms. I present them here with little to no editing so as to capture the essence of how I responded in the moment.

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Why am I seeking a psychedelic experience right now in my life?

I’m about to turn 40. I feel like I’m less sure than I’ve ever been about what to do in and with my life. So much of my adulthood (all, actually) has been about being a pastor and working/serving the church. But so much is different for me now. Beliefs. Passions. Desires. Feelings. Plus, I feel a bit stuck with regards to some of my spiritual/emotional growth and transformation and I’m not convinced more talk therapy is the answer. Perhaps a psychedelic experience will not only jumpstart or assist with connection to God, but help me get/be in/find my self in my body.

What goals do I have?

Do something I’m afraid of (aka, not being in control).

Do something I’ve been curious about but haven’t believed “it’s for me” (is this religious baggage? Maybe).

Have an embodied experience.

Let go.

Trust another person.

Be okay with uncertainty.

Am I willing to do the work when things get difficult?

Although it can be hard for me to do things I don’t feel as though I can “win” or “excel at,” I’ve done hard things before (aka, therapy) so I know I can do it again.

Am I open to commit to something deeper than my comfort?

Having just done karaoke in Korea Town with strangers in NYC, I’d say the answer is yes :)

Am I willing to hear, tell, and feel the truth?