When "Good People" treat others Horribly (but don't notice or care)
When "Good People" treat others Horribly (but don't notice or care)
I've noticed that when strangers on the internet think/assume I'm gay, the vitriol in their comments goes way up. Here's why.
I’ve noticed something about mean people on the internet.
As you may know, when it comes to my work online I’m accustomed to my fair share of critics and naysayers, crybabies and muckrakers. And it’s fine, I’ve talked about that before, whatever.
But here’s what I’ve noticed lately: when strangers on the internet assume or think that I’m gay, the vitriol in their comments increases like ten fold.
Whereas most people disagree or pushback with some level of decency or civility, if the person on the other end thinks that I’m gay, they throw decency right out the window. They’ll use words and phrases and attacks that leave me speechless (oh, and yes, in case you were wondering, almost all these people claim to be Christian. So, that’s fun).
I remember writing about this phenomenon in my first book. It’s called, “infrahumanization.” A big word that basically means, if someone thinks another person is subhuman in any way, then they can treat that person like a monster and yet not have their own conscience be impacted.
In other words, our brains, when we think we’re dealing with a monster—someone not-quite-human—it permits us to uncharacteristically treat them horribly all while maintaining the belief of, “but I’m a good person who treats people well.”
And this is what our queer siblings have been telling us for centuries. Most of the vile that comes their way comes not from obvious “bad people,” but from self-professed good people who think that being queer makes a person subhuman, which then gives their conscience a blank check to cash all the disgusting and cruel comments they want… and they don’t even feel bad about it.
I hear what you're saying and I think it is tragic. I've also noticed that people feel comfortable on Facebook saying mean things to people they don't even know. I recently made (what I thought was a humorous) comment on a public FB post. Two days later someone wrote a reply accusing me of hating men, being a snowflake, and telling me I should find a safe place. I guess being called a snowflake at my age is a compliment, but being told to find a safe place felt like a threat. I clicked on this persons link and her FB posts were full of happy family celebrations. I'm guessing she was a nice person, but why she felt comfortable calling me names is a mystery. Somehow the impersonal nature of social media makes it OK to blast people.
Also, I've just finished reading John Pavlovitz book, "If God is Love, Don't Be A Jerk." Maybe more Christians should read it.
Thanks again for your thoughts, Colby. I don't always comment, but I love your perspective.
I am a gay man and have been the recipient of hate speech, offensive and degrading emails, despicable gossip and false accusations. I have also been a pastor in many different churches, for a long while closeted, and then more recently, openly gay in an affirming church. The fact that I am a Christian first, one who just happens to be gay (from the earliest I can remember), is lost on my accusers. I think they assume I am a sexual predator. For the record, I am not - I am happily married, in a monogamous relationship, to my husband of 15 years. But what is most alarming of all is that the most hateful, and hurtful, gossip, innuendos, judgemental accusations and outright criticism, has come from Christians. In many cases, these people have been friends, colleagues and relatives. Yes, we can shrug off a lot of hate speech (as a gay man you get used to it and develop a thick skin) but it still hurts, and shapes our view of not only our so called friends, but also of the church (and its members) that we are (were) part of together. The church not only condones such attitudes but subtly allows for and even encourages such hate speech by making homosexuality out to be the worst of all sins and worthy of the most vigorous condemnation. When preachers get away with such hate speech from the pulpit, it is no wonder that their parishioners amplify that hatred outside the church, and go even further to commit hate crimes of the most despicable kind. It is not easy being gay, and certainly is not a choice - and it is not easy being both gay and Christian. I did choose the "Christian" part. I fear for the lives of teens and young adults who are in the midst of that ongoing assault. I welcome and support the efforts of people like Colby Martin to turn back that tide of hate with love and hope for the future.