Why We Got Divorced (and How I Talk About it)

Writing about divorce is tricky for all sorts of reasons. But allow me to walk that tightrope as I share a bit of why (I believe) our marriage ended.

Dancing at a friend’s wedding, less than two months before our own marriage ended.

The other day I wrote about how 4 in 10 marriages end in divorce; how no one expects it to be them; and yet there are some fairly common reasons as to why it happens even to the best of us.

[I’m tempted to rewrite that sentence and change “the best of us,” but I’ll leave it in because, a) it is a common saying, and, 2) because what if it’s also kinda true sometimes? After all, life is paradox.]

I also mentioned in that article that I’d share a bit more specifically what happened, or what contributed to my own divorce. Which is what this article is about.

But I’ll preface this by saying a few disclaimers:

Disclaimers for Writing About My Divorce

1. This is my perspective. It is honest and true, but it can’t not be subjectively slanted.

2. I refuse to speak ill of my ex. In fact, as you’ll read in a minute, I still think very highly of her in so many ways.

3. There are things I obviously will not share in this article because they are private and/or because they’re not mine to share. But they do not fundamentally alter what I’ll share below.

In ways I never could’ve anticipated, writing publicly about divorce is tricky.

I honestly don’t do it all that often, and when I do I’m not always sure I’m doing it right… or well.

How much is too much?
Am I being truthful?
How do I write about my ex in a way that still honors her humanity, but also reflects my reality?
How can I make sure that if my kids ever read what I write that they will feel honored, protected, and loved?

In response you may reasonably reply, Then don’t write about it, Colby.

And maybe you’re right.

But this experience of:

• Getting divorced,

• being the one who didn’t want the divorce,

• having nearly two decades of a good marriage/family prior to the divorce,

• not only not wanting the divorce but then also not getting to live with your kids any longer,

• being a parent (especially a dad) who has now become the “other parent,”

this experience is not unique to me by any stretch.

People (especially men) all over the world feel the above pains, and they/we are in need of feeling seen. Feeling validated. Feeling cared for. They/we are looking for help, support, and people saying those magic words of, “Me too. You’re not alone.”

So yeah, it’s tricky. I want to write about divorce, but I want to try and do it well. Do it fairly. Do it with respect and care and honor.

I won’t always walk that line perfectly. But I’m practicing the courage to try.

A Surprising Divorce

If you would’ve asked most (all?) people in our orbit they would’ve probably said that my wife and I had a fantastic marriage. I’ll bet there were even some who, if not envious, at least saw in us a picture of what a successful relationship looked like.

And here’s the thing: as far as I’m concerned those people were mostly right.

I mean obviously our relationship wasn’t perfect (that doesn’t exist), but looking back—and certainly while I was in it—if I compared it to my experience and observations with the marriages around us, I think we crushed it.

We had no secret life happening behind the scenes. What you saw was what you got, warts and all. Warts which we didn’t hide but openly talked about at our church, on our podcast, to therapists, and even right in front of friends and family.

All that to say, I don’t blame people if when they heard about our separation they were confused. Nor do I blame them for assuming that something had to have “happened” because it just didn’t make a lot of sense… on the surface.

But with three years of reflection, and on the other side of lots of grief and healing, it’s easier now to look back and name some of what existed under the surface. Or, actually, I’m not sure I love that language (“under the surface”) because it implies things were hidden… so perhaps I might say, I can now see with more clarity the ways in which we tried to make things work that weren’t working.

We made the dysfunctional functional.

We… or perhaps I should say “I” here… I over focused on the positive and gritted through the negative. I ignored some pretty glaring red flags, and hoped that the orange flags would eventually fade away (they did not). And I feel confident she would say the same about me.

It’s like we had concurrent streams in our marriage. One flowed well, was refreshing, nourished us and our kids and others. While the other stream would get caught up in eddies, go stale, and produce bacteria and funk.

Perhaps we thought given enough time the healthy stream would merge with, lift up, and heal the funky stream. Looking back I think my former spouse saw what I couldn’t see: that was never going to happen.

So what caused that second stream to stale, get funky, and ultimately produce life eating bacteria?

I’ll get to that in second, but first…

How I Talk About Our Divorce

Nowadays, if/when it comes up I generally begin by saying all sorts of positive things about my ex. Because that is real and true, and because that is my core belief about humanity: people are good, and most of us are doing the best we can with what we’ve been given.

Then I talk about some of the ways that our marriage was successful and good and worthwhile because make no mistake, our marriage was good and successful in both its breadth and depth.

Just off the top of my head, here are some reasons I refuse to call my marriage a failure:

• We have four incredible, amazing, smart, compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent, kind, creative, and loving children. The world is better off because Zeke (20), Willow (19), Jae (15), and Huck (13) are in it. You’re welcome, earth.

• We each grew immensely as individuals during our 19 year run. Sometimes in spite of the other, but more often than not because of the support, the space, the empowerment, and the love we showed each other. I was a better man in 2022 than I was in 2003, and she a better woman. That’s amazing. And successful.

• We created and led an absolutely gorgeous faith community in San Diego for nearly nine years. The number of lives touched directly and indirectly because Sojourn Grace Collective existed is too numerous to count. Wildly, wildly successful.

• We published some remarkable podcasts via The Kate & Colby Show and (I believe) did a lot of good work to help parents, married people, and people of faith feel seen and encouraged and supported.

• While we obviously struggled at times with communication, and emotional intimacy felt like a goal we never fully unlocked (which I take a lionshare of the responsibility for, especially our first ten years), I still feel like we had a very good, very close, very fun and meaningful relationship. What people saw from the outside was, by and large, what and who we were. There was no secret-her or secret-me behind closed doors. Nothing that would cause people to be aghast and think, “Wow, I never would’ve thought that!” I loved her, she loved me, and in so many ways we thrived together.

I list all this to say, simply because our marriage ended after 19 years does not therefore render the thing a failure.

While I may have bought in to such a lie early on in my grief stage, such a perspective seems absurd to me now.

So yeah, if I do talk to people about “why we got divorced,” I’ll begin with positive things about both my former wife and about us as a couple.

From there I will acknowledge my own failures and issues, and how I know I wasn’t always an easy person to be married to. As I wrote the other day,

The Blame Pie™ (if indeed we must use such a word as “blame,” and if we must visualize it as a tasty pastry) can always be divided up. Both people have their strengths and weakness, pros and cons. Both have ways they were helpful to the relationship and ways they contributed to its demise.

Then—and only then—will I try to land the plane by naming what I see as the largest contributing factors as to why we divorced, including: