"On fire for the Lord!" My Early Days of Loving Jesus
The Honeymoon Stage of my (evangelical) relationship with Jesus.
The other day I wrote about the unfolding trajectory of my Views-on-Jesus.
The premise is simple: how I think about Jesus today is different than I how I did 20 years ago, ten years ago, five and even two years ago.
I think it’s safe to assume that I can count on my beliefs to be different five years from now, too. Perhaps not radically different, but different nonetheless.
In it I shared an excerpt from my chapter on Jesus The Shift as an attempt to demonstrate what it can look like for our beliefs about Jesus to change, evolve, and expand over time.
Today I want to stay on that theme but specifically explore a bit further some of the emotional aspects that accompanied some of my shifting views on Jesus.
Beliefs are one thing, right? They are the specific ideas or propositions that we hold in our minds.
But when’s the last time you got curious about how certain beliefs make you feel?
Here’s what I mean…
Early Stage Ooey Gooey Lovey Dovey
If you’ve ever been in love then perhaps you can relate the experience of how early on in the relationship there’s that ooey gooey, mushy gushy, hyper infatuation kinda vibe. Even if you’ve never experienced it personally you know what I mean because it has been portrayed countless times in TV and movies.
This stage of love is precisely that: a stage. Sometimes it gets described as the honeymoon stage (for obvious reasons) and for the most part we tend to accept that it won’t last forever. A normal trajectory by most standards means eventually the love between the couple will grow, deepen, and evolve in ways that transcend those early kinds of feelings.
Ideally we might hope for a kind of transcend-and-include scenario, where yes the feelings grow deeper and more nuanced, but pieces of the shiny attraction that catalyzed the early stage of love remain—even it they’re a bit less bright.
In a long lasting relationship you can imagine the occasional peak of brightness still occurs from time to time, but it may not be as frequent as it once was.
Again, I’m speaking in generalities here, but are you with me thus far? Good.
I submit that this type of dynamic, typically experienced between two humans in a romantic relationship, is similar in ways to how Christians might experience their relationship with Jesus.
On Fire For the Lord
You’ve surely heard this phrase before, yeah?
“I’m on fire for the Lord!”
It’s a way for a person to describe their feelings of unbridled enthusiasm and excitement for their (probably freshly established) relationship with Jesus. A kind of honeymoon stage with the Lord, if you will.
My own on fire for the Lord stage came shortly after my relationship with Jesus began. I document that story in UnClobber—where I also lovingly referred to that time in my life as being “oversaved,” lol—but in a nutshell it goes like this:
In the summer of 1999, at the age of 17, I attended a week long conference called SEMP (Students Equipped to Minister to Peers), an experience aimed at training teenagers to evangelize.
After my first day sent out on Huntington Beach to do some street itnessing (this is not where you watch streets… this is where you approach random people and attempt to lead them to Christ) I returned to my room and collapsed on my bed with uncontrollable weeping.
In that moment I felt God invite me to consider one of two paths:
Path 1: Continue life as is. Which meant life was all about me, and “being Christian” was just something I said not somethign I did or took seriously.
Path 2: Repent (lit., change directions) and use my life for something greater—to point people to God through Jesus.
I chose Path 2; decided to go to school to become a pastor; and here we are 25 years later.
The next couple years after that experience were my “on fire for the Lord” years in which I was truly, madly, deeply in love with Jesus. (Bonus points for you 90’s kids that got that reference)
During that time nearly everything I said or did got connected back to my relationship with Jesus. I became obsessed with the idea of evangelism (saving my friends’ souls), which in hindsight functioned mostly to push my friends away. My mornings were spent in quiet time (ie, Bible study and prayer), my lunch breaks spent with fellow youth group friends, and my evenings were split between sports practices or random gatherings for worship and prayer.
My decision at SEMP to make my life about Jesus was something I took seriously. I truly gave it my all.
Mixed Feelings
Twenty five years later, I look back on those years with mixed feelings.
FONDNESS: I find that version of Colby to be sweet and endearing. His earnestness was real and his enthusiasm, while sometimes a turn-off, was also infectious.
SADNESS: As mentioned I did lose some friends during those years because I couldn’t manage my internal desire for them all to believe like me. I’ve no doubt they felt judged by my newfound fire-for-the-Lord, or at least got annoyed at how I couldn’t just hang anymore.
PRIDE: I’m proud of that Colby. He gave his all to something he really believed in. And that’s no small thing. He faced ridicule with bravery, he sacrificed time and energy for what mattered to him, and he learned the value of sticking fierce to one’s convictions.
CRINGE: Sometimes my over-eagerness elicited some real cringe behavior. I may share some of the stories later. I kinda wish I would’ve had a bit more shame, a bit more embarrass-ability.
To Say, “I Love Jesus” Felt Good
Last year I did a number of posts exploring questions about what it means to say, “I love Jesus.” And for me, part of the answer to that question involves pointing out that it has meant various things over the years throughout my many stages of faith.
During my on-fire-for-the-Lord, honeymoon phase, saying “I love Jesus” meant something very personal and intimate. Such a posture or believe was accompanied by strong emotions.
I could feel in my chest a swelling during worship.
Tears weren’t uncommon, as I felt moved by particular thoughts and ideas.
It was like Jesus was there, with me, in my heart. And that felt really good.
Like in romantic relationships, those early ooey gooey days don’t usually last forever. And that was certainly true of my relationship with Jesus as it slowly morphed into something stronger and deeper (if not as emotionally charged).
But for all the cringe, all the misguided beliefs and bad theology, for all the ways I was over-saved… I nonetheless am grateful—so very grateful—for those early years of being totally obsessed with and on-fire-for the Lord.
How about you?
Did you have a stage like this?
What was that like for you?
In some ways my experience was the opposite. I was raised in the church, baptized on the eighth day--well, within a month of my birth. I was always around church and educated in Christian school. My ethnic (and religious) background emphasized the intellect, NOT emotion. We were not to be swayed by emotion.
Then came the charismatic movement of the mid '70s -- feeling the Holy Spirit move. I didn't feel anything.
In the 80's (my 30s), I was involved with more "charismatic" Christians. I like them. Their worship style of refreshing, moving. But I didn't "feel" the feel. I didn't "hear" Jesus or God speak. I didn't dream dreams. I felt "less than" those that heard and felt and had visions. Someone prayed for me once, laying on of hands. Afterward my friend asked: "Did you feel that?" What I asked. He told me of an electrical shock that seeming went from the priest, through me and "almost knocked him on his can." Nope, nothing.
I didn't get "healed from" the life persistent "sins" that troubled me. Today I don't see those things as sin anymore.
In all this, I was dedicated to God/Jesus. In high school and college I took classes preparing for eventual seminary training. I went to the youth conferences and experienced those highs, and served on a summer mission trip. In adult life I was involved in various forms of "leadership" and evangelism. Not sure I "brought" another to Christ -- but that's the job of the Holy Spirit, ultimately. Much of that is left behind now. I don't look to be moved in church, or have spiritual highs. I deconstructed (whatever that means), and just hope my minimal relationship with God/Jesus is enough. Weirdly, that feels like it's enough. Colby, thanks for asking good questions. D
So me, too. Leading worship from the piano, often with tears, with "I Love You, Lord" on repeat.. Worried that I hadn't "saved enough souls;" not studying on a Sunday with a final on Monday, because, you know, we have six days to study; and "witnessing" at surf beaches for a two-week "outreach"... and so much more. They were heady days when we got to be in "the center of God's will." and as a result "O how He loves me."